Too Broke To Laugh

We all have regrets. Everyday I regret something. Usually my regrets are based on my penis. For instance the other day I deeply regretted getting on the treadmill behind this rotund woman who obviously made a New Years resolution to slim down to a more manageable 250. I also regret never growing an awesome mullet, but there is still time.

I went to a commuter college. I never had a chance to party at dorms, or have illicit sex with drunk co-eds, or rub one out in the library while peering down from the book racks at a nubile female exposing her cleavage unbeknownst to her while she studies at the table below.

The year was 1989, Axl Rose was my idol and I was 19 year old college student. As well as being a college student I was a stoner and a Led Zeppelin t-shirt wearing numb-skull. Despite all the forces working against me for getting some ass, this one older girl, about 22, was into me. It was likely the giant cannons I rolled up and gave to her, but we all sacrifice something to the beaver altar and mine was weed.

One day I passed off another spliff to this girl while in the hall at school and out of the blue she asks me if I would like a ride home. I previously told her I lived in my own place, but didn’t have a car, so I took the train. At this moment in time you’d think my dick would be leading me around like that fucked up scene in “From Beyond’ with the pineal gland, but no! I don’t know what was going through my head, but whatever it was it was all wrong! I can barely keep writing I suck so bad.

On the way to my place we are passing this doob around in her car listening to tunes and getting foggy. For the first time in my life this hot girl was actually interested in me for whatever strange Spicoli fetish reason she had. She pulls into a space near the front of my place and we just sit there for like 10 minutes doing nothing. I’m totally stoned out of my mind and she is too.

This girl is just waiting for me to ask her in, so I can finally unleash my mule and plow a few rows in her field, but the invite never comes. I didn’t invite her in! I think she was shocked. I vaguely remember saying something stupid like ‘Thanks for the ride cya later’ and then stumbling towards my apartment on a quest for Funyuns. She pulled away and that was it. She never offered a ride again and from what I can remember she didn’t ask for weed either.

The moral of this story is regrets will eat you alive. Regrets will make you want to set yourself on fire. Regrets never go away, they only manifest themselves in binge whiskey drinking.

This might be my last post ever. I hate myself so much right now.

Related posts:

1. Vagina Extended Warranty Available Hello t
2. Hey Girls, Harley Davidson Is Boring If Disney
3. Scared or Strangely Attracted I don
4. I’m Starving Who Has the Snausages? Dude!
5. Pollen Spray Expected Heavy 2009 Tree Hugge